My man and I are back together. Again.

We’ve broken up and gotten back together, oh, five times in almost two years.
Each time I have believed that it really was the final time. The LAST time.
This most recent break up, however, was different than the other four because I was the one who broke up with him. I said goodbye, and I did it via text.

I know, I know. I surprised myself, not just by being the one to break it off, but also by doing it in what some would perceive to be a distant and impersonal manner.

But the thing about texting (which is the modern day handwritten letter, but usually more condensed), is that you have the option to review, revise, remove. You can make it perfect. By taking the time to write and review, you can come up with some amazing verbage or words that slay, writing things that cut him to the quick, that make you feel empowered and him feel less so.

You know what it’s like? It’s like, have you ever been talking (arguing), with someone, and they say something that just, leaves you without words, or leaves you with a rapidly beating heart, or that wind knocked out of you, breathless feeling?

It’s like in the most recent and final episode of The Bachelor when Nick ends it with Raven and he says, “I’ll miss you,” and she says, “I know.”
THAT is the response you want, and she nailed it by not even crying! Not one tear was shed (#zerotearsgiven).

Imagine it going the opposite way, actually, the Vanessa way, where everyone ends up crying like they just watched a double feature of Manchester by the Sea and Cinema Paradiso. Or The Green Mile and Dead Poets Society. Or Me Before You and The Book Thief. You get the picture.

Imagine Raven hears Nick, the man she is ready to marry, spend the rest of her 24-year-old life with, make babies, and do the damn thing, imagine when he tells her “I’m not IN love with you, I’ll miss you though,” and she pulls a Vanessa, crying, snot sniffles, declaring I can’t live without you, what will I do? That is sad and a bit pathetic, but hey, I’ve been there. I’ve been that girl. How great that Raven was able to be a boss and say, “I know.”

And then, when they did meet up again, Raven had the ultimate Revenge Look going on, with gorgeous makeup, fake lashes, and fuck em girl dress.

THAT is what you want when it comes to breaking up. You want to be the strong one, the confident one. It’s far more attractive to be stoic and stern than sad, sniffly, and snotty.

So, I broke up with him this last time. Not even when texting my break up did I shed a tear (#zerotearsgiven), and I didn’t cry after receiving his “you deserve everything, you can do anything in life you set your mind to and you too have left an indelible mark on me, i will always care for you,” text.

I took control, and it did hurt my heart to let him go, to say goodbye, but I felt disconnected, and like here we are again. What are we doing? What aren’t we doing?

I said goodbye on Thursday, February 9. By Sunday the 12th, I was back at his house and in his bed. Of course the sex was THE. BEST. EVER.

We didn’t discuss anything about what we were doing, or what is the plan, or where this is going. We just did what we do best. Fuck and be naked, in each others company, just lounging. It is effortless with him, There’s no pretense, no guile, it just is what it is.

I don’t need a label to make me feel better, a status update or declaration on social media about who I am to him. Being a successful working actor, I get that he has a certain self absorption to him as well as a reticence to fully commit to anyone or anything because in his line of work he is so used to having to say goodbye or be rejected. Say goodbye to the people he’s spent the last almost year with filming, rehearsing, table reading. Be rejected for that last part, but how great he didn’t have to even audition for the other part!

I just want to be with him. I just want to be around him and with him and I don’t have to have ring on my finger or be introduced as girlfriend. He doesn’t have to ever meet my children. We can keep it just us, our little bubble. I don’t mind it, truth be told, because having my parent life and my lover life separate, it makes for a vacation of sorts for me.

When I am with him I am always naked, I am always fed well, fucked even better, I am provided for, all my needs are met. It’s almost like HE is parenting me, except for the sex part, because that would just be wrong.

Speaking with my friend of 21 years, she told me that when she was dating the man who became her husband, he was afraid to commit, and a lot of her girlfriends told her to leave him or give him an ultimatum.

“But I didn’t do either of those things. Why would I want to leave the man I’m in love with just to be with someone who is in love with me but that I can’t stand?”

I totally agree. When it comes to love, I would rather have a little bit of that love from my man, than nothing at all or all the love from someone else who to me is just a sorry substitute, totally subpar.


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