I have made the same choices over and over again, dating a man because of what I thought he could do for me, or provide for me, rationalizing his bad decisions or mistreatment of me, painting all those red flags a different color, dipping them into bleach and making them a softer shade of red, pretty in pink.
I don’t want to repeat the same patterns, and the ironic thing is that this man that is now so smitten and enamored with me, can actually, would actually be the one who can provide for me, who can give me that white picket fence, new house kind of life, the have my babies, here’s your push present, This is 40 lifestyle. But now that my eyes have been opened, I can’t do it. I can’t be with him anymore. I can’t “fake the funk” because the funk is just too strong! It’s all fine and dandy to be spoiled and accept his generosity when in love, but once that loving feeling is lost (cue song), there’s nothing to be done, at least not with me.
And so I am basically choosing to work full time nights, getting four hours of sleep a day, two jobs, two kids, and no child support. By ending the relationship, I will surely have to give him back the brand new car that he pays for each month and I drive, give him back the funds and expect no more to be given each month, say goodbye to the man who wants to marry me, adores my children, who says that he lives for us, that everything he does he does for me. And the thing is, even when I was smitten with him, hearing that kind of made me laugh a nervous laugh, it didn’t make me swoon.
I don’t like being someone’s all, their everything. It kind of scares me. When he says, “You are the love of my life, I love you more than anything or anyone in this world,” I feel a little scared. And then I say, “Well, I apologize that I can’t say the same thing to you, because I have my two boys and they’re always going to be my number ones, before anyone else,” pause, “Except myself. Because I have to take care of me in order for me to take care of my boys!” It all just means that I’ll be struggling and juggling, but at least I won’t be staying with someone for the wrong reasons, and sacrificing my integrity to be taken care of or, as previously stated, for what they can do for me or my children.
And how the f*ck are you supposed to just choose one person to be with for the rest of your life?!?! I am often attracted to other people. I am attracted to both men and women, having had more threesomes than I care to admit. Well, I can and will admit them. I’ve lost count, truth be told. And since we’re being honest, I never even wanted the guy around, I just wanted it to be her and I. But I would go with the flow and indulge in the fantasy of the threesome.
My twenties were like The Threesome Years. I was the Queen of Three, which only worked because I was the guest star. I was the girl coming into the relationship, I wasn’t the one in the relationship, I was the proverbial third wheel, so I wasn’t emotionally invested and didn’t have any feelings except for the I’m going to have sex with this woman while her boyfriend watches feelings, and then we’ll both please him orally (at the same time naturally) but he doesn’t get to “be” with me, only the girlfriend gets to be with me, because that’s like the number one rule for threesomes. Only once did the man ever get to have me and his girl, and those two ended up getting married, had two babies and lived for eleven happy years together. It’s another irony that I’m attracted to men and women and while I’ve thought about stepping out, I haven’t done it. I’m far too jealous and too loyal. But I think about it and I flirt with people, so some would argue that that’s not being faithful, because it’s an emotional connection, which is still a connection, maybe even more powerful than a physical one.
So I don’t cheat, I don’t actually break off into the realm of physically cheating, but I have flirted and give kisses, just not with tongue. But I say it’s just a part of my job description. I’m a bartender. It’s in our nature to flirt, hug and kiss. If I like you, I like you, and if I don’t, I don’t. Whether my customer or my beau, you’ll know.
I’m like a light switch, there’s only straight up ON or OFF, no dimmer switch here. No hedging, no maybe, just off or on. Which is also ironic since in so many other aspects of my life, I’m indecisive. I go to Home Goods and spend 20 minutes in the candle aisle, trying to decide between Sand Seastone Scent or Vanilla Peach. I can’t figure out what dishes to buy, what style, let alone what color. And then I think ahead about pots and pans in coordinating colors, mixing bowls and accent pieces, it’s all too much!
But when it comes to not wanting to be in a relationship, I’m pretty decisive about the wanting to get out, it’s the process of getting out that is difficult for me. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I’ve often been far too nice, even when it’s detrimental to myself. But knowing that, I should be able to stop that pattern too. In theory 🙂
So now I’m in limbo, I’m not wanting to be in my relationship and my beau knows that there’s been a shift in the dynamics, but I haven’t been able to just tell him so. How can I? He’s 5000 miles away! I can’t tell this man over the phone that I want to no longer be with him, despite how kind he has been to my children and I, but then (overactive mind?) I think that maybe that generosity is part of his way to kind of get in with me, to make himself more attractive and appealing, because let’s face it, if we’re talking looks, he’s lacking in the overall good looks department, Putting it bluntly, would you take a second look? Yes, but not for the reasons you would think. Not in a Magic Mike XXL strip tease kind of way, but more like the opposite, more like that painting that looks pretty amazing from twelve feet away, but then you get closer and you start to see its flaws, and then you can’t look away although you know you should, so as to not stare, to be polite.
I know it sounds shallow, but believe me, it’s not just a physical thing. I didn’t see any of that in the beginning of the relationship. I was in love and I wasn’t seeing anything except stars, which of course you’d be seeing when you’re swept off your feet! You don’t see the ground honey, you see stars! But then everyone gets a little heavy sometimes, and you go from being swept off your feet to being placed back down, sometimes gently, like a graceful Misty Copeland, or more rough, like a tackle from a 245 pound Defensive Lineman, intent on taking that star quarterback down.
You begin to see things that you’d never noticed before, and those things are heightened when you’re not happy, or your needs aren’t being met. It seems that suddenly EVERYTHING they do irritates the f*ck out of you! The way they eat, cut their food, even their Facebook posts! Everything is annoying. How do you get back to the way you were? Can you? I just don’t know. I don’t think so. It seems like once you’ve said certain words, they cannot be unsaid. Once you hear certain words, they cannot be unheard. It’s not about holding grudges, or dwelling on anything, it’s being cognizant of those red flags, and not painting them a different color.