Today is the 19th day. 19 days have passed since we spoke. I keep repeating the day in my mind, wondering if I hadn’t gotten so emotional and told you what I was feeling if we would still be together. And the answer is yes, we would be. But, if I’m being honest with myself, I would still be dissatisfied and unfulfilled because he would still be the same man he is now and always was. I just didn’t want to fully acknowledge what he was wasn’t giving.
I feel partially responsible for having allowed his behavior. For being so accepting of his many trips without me. Not complaining when he would excitedly tell me how he was going on yet another trip without me. And, to add insult to injury, he would want me to help him pack, and be annoyed if I wasn’t able to help him. Once he even went so far as to say I was trying to sabotage his trip by making him late so he’d miss his flight. I would never do that. I would be too afraid of his Scorpion sting of anger directed at me for having missed his flight. Please. Make the damn flight.
When we first met, 14 years ago, I had no children and I was free as a bird. The attraction was instant. I didn’t know he already had a girlfriend, someone he had been seeing for quite some time and eventually propose to. Someone who he said, “the sex was so bad, the first time we ever had sex, I had to go in the living room to jerk off, and I hated kissing her.” And yet you proposed marriage to this person? To be with them FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE???? What?!
So yeah. I was the side chick before that was even a catch phrase. I was the girls who would come to his house and we would make out, long, passionate kisses, and we would have oral sex but never intercourse. I spent the night maybe two times, and I remember just reveling in his company, but I was also a little intimidated by him.
We lost touch with one another because, as he later told me, “I was very drawn to you, and you were a distraction from my relationship, so I had to end it.” I don’t even remember being very hurt by it. We would occasionally reconnect over the years, but nothing physical. He was involved and then I was involved. The timing was never right.
But three years ago, it was. Since he wasn’t seeing anyone else, we were free to fuck. In his mind, having actual intercourse with me all those years ago when he had a girlfriend and I was the side chick would have been cheating. It would have been crossing the line. A line he didn’t want to cross so he could still feel good about himself. So back then, not sex. Just oral and kissing.
I was elated to finally do the deed. But with that came something else: he would no longer kiss me. “I’m only going to give everything to my wife,” he says. “I can’t give you EVERYTHING!” I was like, huh? No kissing? Like, ever? And it’s true. In the three years we were together I know exactly when he kissed me.
1) that first day I went to his house when we reconnected after 14 years. I kissed him goodbye on his doorstep (July 2015)
2) when we were making love. ONCE. (sometime 2016)
3) when he gave me an example of how a reality show contestant kissed Lisa Raye on The Proposal (July 2018)
4) when we went to see a show in DTLA (May 2017)
Let me tell you. We were VERY good at kissing one another, so to take it away was awful. You can’t miss what you never had, and I HAD his kisses, and I wanted them. Often. Just like I wanted him to hold my hand when we went out, or even just because, like when driving or sitting at a restaurant. But no. He didn’t hold my hand EVER. No. I take that back. He did, one time.
1) when we went hiking, he held my hand as we walked amongst the tall redwood trees (June 2018)
So many moments that I should have walked away. But I fell fast for him. Such a renaissance man. So cultured and funny, dashing and debonair. Yet also very smart and at times, endearing.
One moment I should have left as when he told me (before he left for a holiday, alone, of course), that he felt maybe we should slow down. He wasn’t sure about dating someone with kids, hadn’t planned on us happening as it did. I was so sad and surprised. I told him he didn’t have to meet my kids. It was too soon anyway.
Little did I know his ambivalence was probably also due to the fact he had cheated.
It was March 9, 2016, the day before my son’s 6th birthday, that he said he had something to tell me. I had just showered and was naked in his cozy bed. I was anticipating good news. But no. He told me he had slept with someone. He said it was only twice. Yet she went full Fatal Attraction in him and basically stalked him, going so far as to try to kill herself.
Devastated. Cried. All night. He said, “I understand if you don’t want to stay.” But I did. And he said later how it was hard to hear me crying, because I slept terribly, waking up and remembering his words. I went from being the side chick to the main chick. I realized with clarity that he did to me what he had done to his ex. Doesn’t history often repeat itself? Once a cheater, always a cheater?
I stayed with him. I stayed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay with someone who has betrayed your trust? And they met through social media, the very thing I was always so insecure about, him meeting some fan girl on social media and then they connect in real life. Who fucks a fan? Who does that? I asked him why and he said he was bored. Unbelievable, right? I was always ready for him, always desirous of him. And yet he decided to fuck someone else just to pass the time. Of course I wonder did they kiss? Did he tell her to not look away? Did he kiss her? Go down on her?
But time makes memories fade, blurring the memory like a watercolor left out in the rain. Memory, like watercolors, fade in time, and when you are in love, you, certainly me, believe what you want to believe.
So I pined for his kisses and his ministrations to my body. He was the most skilled lover I have ever had. I’m sure no one can replace him in that regard. But still. I wanted more.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to make love to someone whose favorite position is missionary and he doesn’t kiss you!?!?!!? I never knew where to look. I would look at his face but he wasn’t always looking at me. Sometimes he would demand, “Look at me! Look at me! Don’t look away!” and that was hot. I liked that. But when he wasn’t saying that, I would look his way, but he was looking off, or his eyes were closed, Sometimes his face would be burrowed into my neck. But for his maximum pleasure, he would be above me, and so I would close my eyes, or watch him as he moved his member.
All this is making me sad though, because now we are no longer. And I should not romanticize this man. He was so removed in so many ways. And yet.
Sometimes the intimacy was unlike any other.
Painting my toenails. Scratching my back gently. Taking thousands of photos of me. Each photo like a carries, a kiss. Proof that I mattered. Proof that he cared. “I have more pictures of you on my phone than anyone or anything,” he would say.
* In three years, he never met my children.
* In three years, he barely ever kissed me.
* In three years, he went to about 20 countries and traveled within the US, and never took me.
* In three years, he only said “I love you” ONCE (July 23, 2017)
* In three years, he never came to my house
But I should not and cannot put all the blame on him. I said it was okay for him to travel without me and not meet my boys. I said we can keep things separate. I would rather have a little of him than nothing at all. I said it. I declared it. I was easy, breezy, and trying to give him free reign, not wanting to make it stressful and too hard for him. I was always making concessions and making him my priority, even after he told me, “I never asked you to.”
So. This is the 19th day. I ended it. It isn’t the first time in three years we have broken up (that would be seven times, every time only for 3 days max, and once for 28 days. It isn’t the first time, but it feels like the last.
He unfriended me on Facebook and he blocked me on Instagram He sent me back my Drivers License with no note. Not even a Post It. Nothing. Just an envelope with the fucking stamp that I GAVE HIM!
How and why would he block me and unfriend me? I just don’t understand. It, like so many other things, is so hurtful.
I love this man. I loved him. For three years, we would text, talk, FaceTime everyday. Throughout the day. And now it’s all gone. And this almost 51-year-old man has the audacity to block and unfriend when I was his Best Friend. His lover. It hurts. It keeps hurting, 19 days later and probably 19 weeks later too. He said, “You deserve more.” And I know it to be true, but how do I move on when I’m still in love with you?
*forgive any typos or grammatical errors, i can’t bring myself to proof read because it’ll just make me cry